i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
