dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
