Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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