I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
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