I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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