i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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