i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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