Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
