Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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