Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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