so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
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