Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
The cops high fived after they tackled you
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
