listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i love accidental penises.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
