I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
