I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
