at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
