Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
