hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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