You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
