Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
