Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
