since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
