Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
