Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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