Small penises have feelings too.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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