Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I think your dad took our porno
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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