He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
