The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
