I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
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