I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
