So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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