Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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