I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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