So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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