Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
