She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
