Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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