The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
