My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
