my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
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The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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