How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
