you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
