I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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