Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
