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im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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