Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
