imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
