They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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