When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Randomize
