Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
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Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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