seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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