tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
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Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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