just come out here and I will go home with you...
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
