I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
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