Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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