yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
