I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
