my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My day in three words: secret purse cake
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Couch. On fire.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
