there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
