So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Randomize
