Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
