Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
